How to talk to your partner about money

One of the most important parts of a healthy relationship is communicating effectively. That’s especially true when it comes to money talks with your partner. If you’re on the same financial page, you could be an unstoppable force as you work toward shared financial goals—without constantly feeling you’re in different places.   

You and your partner could even become closer, since the skills you need for good money talks translate into many other aspects of your life together. Let’s go over some helpful tips. 

Set the stage

If you’ve never talked with your partner about money (and even if you have), it’s a good idea to let them know in advance you’d like to chat about it. That way, they have some time to organize their thoughts so the two of you can have a productive conversation. Imagine how you’d react if someone brought up a touchy subject out of the blue.  

Try to frame it in a positive way, and let your partner know you want to work together. You could say something like, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could pay off our debt, so we can save more to buy a house? What if we sat down this weekend to work on our finances?”

Be adaptable

You probably have an idea of the way you’d like your finances to work—and your partner probably does, too. The key is to keep an open mind and be willing to change some of your ideas—as your partner should be, too. You might prefer to get rid of your debt ASAP, but if your partner isn’t 100% on board, you may need to adjust your thinking. 

If you both approach your financial conversations from a point of listening, learning, and maybe even changing, you’re likely to have happier, more successful outcomes. Keeping an open mind is usually a better tactic than trying to force someone to change their goals to match yours. 

Use ‘I’ statements

One of the most powerful ways to avoid blame while still making yourself heard is to use “I” statements—not “you” statements. To understand what we mean, here are two ways to talk about spending:

• “You always spend too much on fun things, while I’m the one who’s stuck working hard to pay the bills.”

• “I feel hurt when you go over budget each month, when we’ve set limits to save more money. How about we revisit our budget and discuss what we might need to change?”

It’s easy to be drawn to the first one because we want to vent our anger, which our partner—rightly so—can sense. That puts them in defensive mode, which doesn’t help things. 

Consider the second option. When you shift things back onto yourself and how you feel, you’re not placing blame. You’re stating your feelings honestly and creating a path for your partner to work on a fix with you.

Be open with your feelings

We’re all humans, not spreadsheets. That’s why being honest about your emotions could really help when it comes to money talks with your partner. A lot of money management decisions—like how to invest for retirement or which debts to pay off first—are made based on feelings. 

Let’s say you get a cash windfall. Your partner may not know if you’d prefer to pay down your mortgage faster or save up more for emergencies, unless you get in the habit of sharing the emotions underneath your money opinions. 

Focus on shared money goals

You’re independent people with separate wishes and desires. When you focus on your shared goals, you have an easy way to start a money talk. Your partner might want to spend more on video games or gardening. But if you both really want to pay off debt first, coming up with possible strategies could be a good jumping-off point for your money conversations. 

Talking about shared goals doesn’t mean either of you has to give up wants and needs. It’s a good idea to have provisions in your budget that let you both pursue your own individual interests—without compromising your shared goals. That’s why it’s a good conversation anchor. 

Schedule regular budget date nights

You might want to consider sitting down with your partner every month or even every week to go over your budget. Here are a few reasons in favor of regular money talks:

• You can track your spending progress before you overspend.

• It’s easier to fix budget-balancing issues when they’re small.

• See your progress in meeting shared financial goals in real time.

• You’ll gain more practice having productive money talks with your partner.

• It gives you more time to address bigger-picture issues, like changing your financial goals.

It doesn’t have to be a chore, either. You can make it fun by having a drink, a nice dinner, or something special to celebrate—because if you’re on track with your budget, it really is a win for you both. 

What’s next?

Being able to talk openly about money or anything else with your partner is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. Once those skills are in place, you can move on to the actual tools that can move your shared vision closer to reality. 

A solid next step is to create a budget together, along with plans to reach your future financial goals such as paying off debt or buying a house. Speaking together with a certified financial planner could also help you achieve this.